Mood swings

It’s blood test and oncologist day again today. Hoping for good news as the last few days have been tough.

The aftermath of chemo 1.1 was surprising. Pat was upbeat and happy, feeling well and eating well. That was Thursday and Friday. Saturday was a difficult day, he was angry and by his own admission took his anger out on the kids. He had no idea why, he just felt angry. At one point while standing in the kitchen I asked him if he was okay, he broke down and cried, his emotions are so unpredictable. The tears were the result of him beating himself up over taking his anger out on the kids. With everything he’s going through he is still so concerned about the kids. I reassured him that they are resilient little beans, but it didn’t change his feelings of guilt and remorse.

Saturday we dragged him to the library. When we first suggested it he said no way, but I had Finn put a little extra pressure on and he came. Then I spent the day wondering if his mood was my fault. It’s difficult to know when to push and when to leave it. I just don’t want him to give up on living while he’s fighting not to die. Saturday was also shopping day, we had to go to Benowa Woolworths because Pat doesn’t want to bump into anyone he knows. It’s strange because he’s so openly talking about it on the phone and to people who drop by, but strangers who he only knows to wave at are a cause of anxiety.

Sunday we had a quiet day at home. Pat and I wandered up to watch the Gold Coast Marathon leaders pack as they journeyed back towards Southport. The rest of the day was spent reading and hanging around the house.

Monday we took the kids to Movieworld. They’ve both been so good lately that it seems unfair to not reward them for their monumental efforts to be compliant in a small shared space. They had a great day and I think it was good for Trent to join us too – just to do something normal.

Yesterday we went to the library again and had a play in the playground. The dark cloud once again lingered over Pat, he’s struggling to shake it. Even this morning I can tell he’s not himself. I made him a beaded bracelet with crystals that suck negative energy away – and whether it works or not is insignificant, I just want to do SOMETHING.

Pat’s just left for the blood test with Trent following shortly. Hopefully they have some good news to lift Pat’s spirits as this darkness can’t be good for anyone and the eggshells are starting to crack. I’m even snapping at the kids over nothing, which isn’t fair to anyone. So I’m taking them out today – time for a play. No devices just mum and kids.. We’ll get through this

Chemo 1.2 tomorrow and then we jet off to Sydney for a few days to see Trent’s mum. I know we need to see her but I worry about leaving Pat while he’s like this, maybe a break from the kids is what he needs.

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